Last week, I attended a talk here in Ottawa given by Simplicity Parenting author Kim John Payne. His new book, The Soul of Discipline will be coming out early next year. Here’s what I took away from the talk:
1 – Discipline is not, by definition, harsh or demeaning. It is meant to be firm but loving.
2 – When thinking about discipline, Payne urges us to think about childhood in 3 stages: birth to tween, tween, teen.
3 – The first stage, (birth – approx. 10 years), is when your child needs you to be a governor or benevolent dictator.
4 – At this age, children feel secure in knowing that you are in charge (even if they don’t show it).
5 – Don’t offer unlimited choices such as: Which cereal would you like to eat this morning?
Instead: Would you like Rice Crispies or Shreddies? Too many choices can be overwhelming.
6 – Children in this stage understand cause and effect mostly through their senses, through experience. The speech centres in their brains are not yet fully developed. So when you tell your 5 year old not to lick the ice cube tray, he will hear you but does not fully understand your words. It is not until he feels his tongue stuck to the ice tray or perhaps sees someone else do it, will he fully understand. Therefore, children this age really need our help to express their frustrations and needs using words. Don’t expect them to be good at it yet.
7 – During the tricky tween years (from approx. 11-13 years), you can start to let your child have more control over their lives. He can start to make his own plans but the plans still need to be approved by you.
8 – Plans should be:
•considerate of other family members’ feelings/needs.
•presented in a respectful way.
•time appropriate (for example, they shouldn’t be telling you about their plan for you to take them to the mall 5 minutes before you have to leave).
9 – During the teen years (14 or even 15 years and older, depending on the nature of the child), your children can come up with their own plans and don’t always need your approval. If your teen demonstrates that he/she can’t handle the independence of this stage, they return to the tween stage for a week or 2 before trying again.
10 – Less is more. Payne firmly believes that our homes should be a refuge from the harsh, grown-up world, a place to recharge batteries before heading out again. We, as parents, are the ‘sentinels’ of what is allowed into our homes (possessions, media, behaviour, demands on time). All children, regardless of age will rebel or act out when too much of the above ‘stuff’ is allowed into our homes, making them feel tired and/or overwhelmed.
I am a fan of Kim John Payne’s writing and when I headed for home, was glad I made the effort to go. It’s clear that he knows what children can really be like. He is a father himself and was not shy about sharing humorous stories about his own frustrations and overreactions. I appreciated his candor and practical advice and even felt a bit relieved knowing that my kids’ behaviour is fairly normal (and that they are not, in fact, at times temporarily possessed by demons).
If you were asked to provide one piece of discipline advice, what would it be?
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Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
